How to FIX a broken heart
Hey, look at you! You just got out of a long-term relationship with your live-in girlfriend, and you’re getting back out there! And you’re heartbroken, but also constantly, inexplicably aroused. How exciting and deeply disorienting.
Do you want to experiment, but from the safety of a padded room? Do you want to explore your sexuality and have anonymous sex, all while mourning the loss of something you thought would last forever, but aren’t sure where to start? Don’t worry! I’ve put together this handy little guide to a totally gratifying first-time group-sex experience. But I mean it’s pretty specific to my own life, so if you don’t want to hear a straight guy tell you how to have a threesome, I totally get it.
Step 1: Know what to look for.
Tinder is a microcosm of the world at large – it’s lonely and unforgiving and you’ll probably run into your ex at an emotionally inopportune time. But it also contains all sorts of people looking for all sorts of things: friends, relationships, Instagram followers—we really haven’t agreed on what this app is for. And though I just said “we” like Tinder is some sort of community, it’s not. It’s a chaotic mix of Parsons students, horny weirdos, and bots. So many bots!
So if you’re looking for a specific experience, know the signs. For example, if you want to have a threesome and you see a profile full of torso-only pics of a man and a woman with some text about how they’re “looking for a third,” don’t just pass it by or give it the ol’ right-swipe! Super-like that shit so they know you know what’s up.
Step 2: Say “yes” to everything, unless you don’t want to, in which case you should say “no.”
Once you’ve matched with Mr. and Mrs. Lookingforathird, send them a message to let them know you’re interested. Something that says, “Hey, I’m into what you’re into,” and doesn’t say, “Hey, I’m in the middle of a deeply painful transition.” And then let them take it from there.
They might ask questions like, “Have you ever done this before?” and “How big is your penis?” “No, but I’ve always wanted to” and “I haven’t measured it since summer camp in 2005, but I’ve never gotten any complaints” are fine answers. “No, because I was in a deeply committed relationship for several years and our different libidos slowly tore us apart” and “I’m a nice Jewish boy, just give me a chance” are less-fine answers.
If you want to see where this happy trail ends, just go along with it when they say stuff like, “no intimacy and no tough guy stuff.” Seriously: by setting those boundaries and contextualizing your role in the threesome, they’re giving you the gift of clarity.
Step 3: Get in There, Big Guy! Or Don’t. I Don’t Know. I’m Not Usually This Aggressive.
So they’ve asked you to meet for a drink to see if you click. Way to go! You’re probably feeling that surreal anticipation that comes with finally experiencing something you’ve imagined for a long time, or maybe you’re not – this is your ~journey~ after all. You and your nervous boner get on an uptown 6 train with the condoms they’ve asked you to buy, which you thought was cool, because it means they practice safe sex.
You meet them at an uptown bar they picked out and you spot the torsos from the Tinder profile – the matching faces are older than you expected, but they’re friendly and happy to see you, which quiets the roiling anxiety gripping your small intestine. You notice that the husband is one of the most jacked dudes you’ve ever seen and you think, “No tough guy stuff for me? No tough guy stuff for you!” You make small talk with the wife and wonder how much you’re supposed to flirt, considering she already knows the size of your penis.
You go back to their apartment and they lead the way, so to speak. You’re grateful for the boundaries they set up because you know your role. You might want to scream, “Holy shit! I can’t believe this is actually happening!” But you should probably keep your mouth shut, because you’re giving it to an older woman from behind while she goes down on her husband while he tells you to keep going from behind. Or something like that. I don’t know how you smash, buddy. Just relax, follow their lead, and try to have some fun, huh? You’re havin’ a threesome!
Step 4: That’s it. Move on with your life. They said no intimacy, remember?
Shake his hand, kiss her cheek, and get out of there. You just hooked up with a married couple on the Upper East Side, so go clean up and process your feelings back in Brooklyn, kid.