troubles eclipsed

november horoscopes

Photo: Maureen Drennan

Photo: Maureen Drennan


Are you always such a wreck when the seasons change? The biggest challenge might be to give up the charade that everything's easy. If you think there's nothing exciting about suspended animation, think again. Maybe, somehow, you enjoy recounting your problems. This month, find new ones. If you need to, at least make an attempt at mapping out whatever another sort of life might look like. 


This month, attend more diligently to mental hygiene. Take a walk somewhere that resembles nature. Will you ever again be relaxed enough to nap? Maybe not, but there are other ways to unwind. Trying to remember how long it's been since you last changed your sheets is not a useful way to spend time. This month, just change them. Remember to chew. 


When saving the money that the old you would have used to treat yourself, ask yourself: how many old yous have there been, surviving only in the memories of those who knew you then? Prior arrangements of your personality might deserve more than the scorn usually reserved for previous presidential administrations. Much is made of there being no word in the English language that rhymes with "orange," but what of "lobster?" This month, take a break. You're working too hard.


Is doing something every month for a year impressive? It depends on what it is. The first step to feeling less overwhelmed is realizing that whatever it is, there's probably a calming process you can follow. A number of years ago, someone your age would have wanted very different things. You probably gave up whatever competitive advantage you had early on in childhood. This month, the only secret sauce that matters is your own. Remember: you're going to like yourself more if you spend less time on social media. 


The impossible could happen you may even find yourself making better spending decisions. Instead of taking a picture, you might ask: is that the right thing to do? Whatever you think you're specializing in may cease to exist before you're old enough to retire. Thanks to medical advances, technological developments, and the failure of the social safety net, you very well may work not just for the rest of your life, but for the rest of time. This month, deliver the best news you can.


What was the worst thing about the past month? Whatever it was, don't let it happen again. There's only so much of the decade left, so make it count. It's colder out now, which means you can wear all sorts of things that were unthinkable just a a few weeks ago. So this month, stay warm and avoid trouble. Get your act together. Don't drop any names. If the door is going to hit you, at least arrange for it to be on your way out. 


You might not figure it out for a long time. Long silences are, even now, a problem for you. You try to fill the space, because if you don’t, you think: who will? You remember the restaurants that were privy to your worst breakup moments, your most explosive fights, but you forget the awkward dinners when you couldn’t think of anything to say and slowly came to realize you might with the wrong person. Misery loves company shareholder votes. Just because you wanted once to grow old together doesn’t mean you should waste your younger years chasing after someone who doesn’t exist. This month, check yourself before you wreck yourself.


Stereo was once considered a pretty tremendous technological innovation. We might as well be living one thousand years later. When the big one comes, if it does, screaming across the sky before you can properly register that it is what you think it might be, remember: if you survive, get inside and use gloves to take your fallout-contaminated clothing off. Get in the shower, but do not use conditioner, which will bind the radioactive particles to your hair.


This month, rally. Maybe all you need is a spreadsheet to keep track of your spending to get it under control. On the other hand, maybe you’re spending so much because you’re trying to communicate something deeper to yourself. What could it mean to want to spend money? Dreaming bigger isn’t always dreaming better, but you knew that. This month, the best way to go home again is to try to remember everything you can.


While you've been sleeping, culinary experts have been re-thinking all the food you thought you knew. The bao-gel looks good, but how long will it be until you come to resent it? Tomorrow morning, someone will wait too long in line for a cronut. This month, get rid of your old spices. Money spent on laundry and fresh groceries is money well spent. 


If you're exhausted, you're only going to have so many ideas. It's Friday can you believe it? If it isn't, whenever you are, it will be soon. It's been a good run, but how many more centuries will the days of the week survive? Spelling people's names correctly is one of the most important things you can do. Similarly, if there's any question as to which name is a person's first name, don't guess. This month, ask. 


This month, humor yourself. Believe that there's some likelihood that all of the eventual conspiracies that may come about about the life you lived – and attendant questions about who you met where, what you knew when will themselves also be forgotten. It may be known some day that there was a Planet Earth, that there was a civilization atop it and an attempt at exploring beyond its skies, but odds are that those facts will, at most, be all.