March horoscopes

national celery month edition

Photo: Mark Davis

Photo: Mark Davis


What sort of history would lead a people to insist that friends are to be kept close, but enemies closer? Maybe you keep getting lost while taking steps back to survey all of what one day could be yours. Remember that it will in any case likely take a few more years than expected to resolve whatever issues you've put off dealing with until now. Executed correctly, few things in 2018 can be less appealing and more disheartening than a magic show. This month, have fewer fights in public. Drink less, or buy more drinks for others. Don't be so sure the Y2K bug wouldn't have had you panicking. Exfoliate. Apologize if you think it might help.


Too much, maybe, is made of the link between smell and memory. There are physical sensations that can matter more: the surprise confronting skin on the first warm day of the year is one of them. Consider that even sorrow can be a form of procrastination – a puzzle that can too easily appear interesting or important enough to merit neglecting other things. Only when breaths of fresh air are mentioned is the weather anthropomorphized anymore, and even then only as a matter of speech. This month, be punctual. Remember how hard it is to win in dodgeball without confronting head on, and catching, whatever’s sent your way.

GIF: Sangsuk Sylvia Kang

GIF: Sangsuk Sylvia Kang



Depending on your baseline sense of self, taking that self too seriously might be worth the risk. A 4:00 AM wake up might not be so awful, but the 10:00 PM bedtime would be. If you're afraid you aren't making any sense, don't hesitate to take a time out. Are you old enough yet to swear off shame? Be wary of simple tricks for losing weight, finding love, giving off more enigmatic vibes. This month, at least enjoy the time you're wasting. Dine alone, and be a better a mutual friend. Avoid anyone who denies that a life of arts and leisure would be great, if only you could swing it.


There's a lot to live for. Most of your ancestors stood in line more or less exactly as you do, but drone delivery means your descendants might miss out. What about the world would need to change for you to be a contender? As it turns out, this month is not the week to decide that you need a pet. One cool trick for the month of March: you don't have to identify as a millennial if you don't want to. It's hard to set a goal for better hair. Instead, work on receiving compliments more gracefully. Commute without music. While chewing, keep your mouth closed.

Photo: Sangsuk Sylvia Kang

Photo: Sangsuk Sylvia Kang



There are so many things you can do with an evening. Sometimes hard to know if good weather is here to stay or to fuck with you. The longer the wait, the more robust expectations become: what, really, will you do with a vacation when it arrives? One reason to travel is to heave your full body weight into the truth that where you live is not the only place. Who would you be if you lived and loved in Minneapolis, in Marrakech? You cannot actually know what will come in handy years later. This week, apply none of the tenets of management consulting to the most important relationships in your life. If you suddenly lose peripheral vision on one or both sides, consult a medical professional immediately.


If you're thinking of moving, remember how much a haircut can change. A life marked by a series of comebacks might be exhausting, but it wouldn't be the worst thing. This month, publicly-broadcast failure might be just the fix you're looking for. Hot take: if you're not a Belieber between the hours of eleven and three, you're doing it wrong. What, if anything, do you think you can read about yourself in the looks you share with other pedestrians? Continue your study of magazines. Many of the catchiest songs are only a few a minutes long. Whatever it is, forget about it for once.


Repeating yourself could also be a sign of good health and certainty. Remember too that the braver you feel, the better your odds. See how long you can put off whatever you have to do. Exercise while hungover. Read while exhausted. Is it still exile if your hometown is swallowed by the sea? This month, spending an evening on general recuperation is okay, even if nothing's really wrong. Find an argument to join and end it. Prepare for your next birthday, however far away it might be.

Photo: Mark Davis

Photo: Mark Davis



At the end of the day, it's not the ride: it's the driver. Not too long ago, it was so much more difficult to take a photo of a meal. Sometimes not doing anything is the hardest thing of all. This month, don't take that photo. If you see something, keep it to yourself. Practice whistling, and hum. You may find that following long-forgotten dreams can still get you somewhere, and that birthdays really aren't just like any other day. Make every mess count.


Looming crises aside, the new options for hair color available in the late 20-teens really are something. This month, do what feels right. Find a better way to talk about the future. With any luck, all your favorite music will still be around and accessible in fifty years. Take your time, and spring forward. Want and have it both ways. Make new and imaginative sartorial gestures. Don't look back. You can cry, if you want to. Cry, if you want to.


What could be better than springtime? This month, turn on read receipts and watch your life change slowly and then all at once. Sometimes it can be just too soon for honesty. Speak bluntly, but be careful with compliments. Watch less television, and don't even think about trying to break your personal record for picklebacks consumed in a twelve-hour period. Finally: make amends where possible, but remember that when asking forgiveness, the first time is almost never the charm.

Photo: Mark Davis

Photo: Mark Davis



It is, after all, possible to get caught up in the rest of the year. Did you overdo it? Better late than never. The important thing is to see the problem clearly. There's nothing wrong with standing in front of the mirror and taking a good look: each time, all the excitement of something new and all the security of someone who's been around since before you can remember. This month, try to use all of your faculties, and remember that sometimes, all that's needed to feel irreversibly older is a birthday.


Whatever the past few weeks were like, you probably saw it coming. A lot of thinking went on in the shower, but not much happened. More often than not, most of the day happens at night. Rain is distracting and often unexpected, but above all else, it's not terribly comfortable. This month, go see a movie on the big screen. Keep it all fairly light. Minimize angst. Lose your temper, then find it again.