May Horoscopes

Star Guts Edition | ILLUSTRATIONS: AMANDA LANZONE


 

PISCES

Psychic difficulties will make completing even the most basic of tasks feel damn near impossible, like seeing the world through a pane of foggy glass. You might want to delete all of your social media accounts. Virtual words are dangerous to engage with when your grip on reality is already so tenuous. If that doesn’t work, consider hallucinogens or b-movies. When approached carefully, both can offer peace of mind and insight.

 

ARIES

The stars in your house are a swirling mess. You spent April in a downward spiral, believing yourself unworthy of love. Emotional hygiene needs to become a priority again. Each night, before bed, say aloud three things you find beautiful about your body and mind. When you wake, a powerful seed of knowledge will have been planted inside you. Let it bloom.

 

TAURUS

Jupiter will visit your third house of travel – a great sign if you’re looking to book a trip. Do not travel to any countries without a legacy of red wine production. If possible, you should drink a lot of red wine while abroad; live like you’re in the Blue Zone! When you return, detox by drinking only charcoal-purified water for three days straight. If you feel awful, it’s working.

 
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GEMINI

Groups are important to you this month. You might be asked to coach a sports team, or take part in a class action lawsuit. You might even join a mob or an army. What’s important is to resist deindividuation. What’s something you know that no one else in the world knows? Whisper it under your breath a few times a day.

 

CANCER 

Pluto, the planet of transformation, will be active in your house. True love, a new job: these things may unfurl before you. So, too, may less savory things: a breakup, the end of a friendship. Much like publicity, all change is good. And ego death might be even better than good. You may want to look into self-hypnosis.

 

LEO

Sometime in the first half of May, you will meet a rare books dealer who will invite you to spend a weekend at his summer house on Fire Island. The stars encourage you to accept his offer. Later in the month, you will accidentally walk into a glass door, shattering the door and injuring your forehead. There is a cosmic lesson here, but the planets are unclear about what, exactly...

 
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VIRGO

Punk is a state of mind. Who said that? It doesn’t matter. What matters is your new neighbors: they’re a group of rowdy Canadian anarcho-punks, and they will try to get you to join their Quebecois separatist movement. While you could complain to your landlord, the stars advise against confrontation. Instead, try to enjoy the late-night concerts on the other side of your wall. 

 

LIBRA

Venus will visit your fifth house – your house of love. If you’re currently partnered, now is an excellent time to do something special, such as renew your vows. If you’re single, go on as many dates as possible. The stars encourage you to remain open-minded in all matters of the heart. Falling in love with, say, a Donald Judd sculpture is not out of the question.

 

SCORPIO

You will receive a phone call from an unknown number. The person on the line will ask you that old gag: “Is your refrigerator running?” Life is a series of choices. You could choose to be offended, or you could choose to answer them thoughtfully, because it’s possible the caller has good intentions. We must be kinder to each other, while there is still time.

 

SAGITTARIUS

A friend from childhood will visit your city for a few days, as they follow the migratory path of a certain butterfly species. This friend may dredge up unpleasant memories of your past. How two people see the world can be so different. When they leave, wear emerald to ward off negative spirits. A full moon will enter your house the last few days of May – what a blessing!

 

CAPRICORN

Mirrors can make small rooms look bigger and brighter. They are also portals into the Otherworld, allowing the spirits of our ancestors to travel freely between the two planes of existence. Without any ruling planets in your house this month, you will need the guidance of your ancestors now more than ever. Consider purchasing a new mirror. Each morning, look into it and say, “I see you!”  

 

AQUARIUS

As you walk home one night, a stranger on the street will ask to take your photograph. It turns out you look just like their favorite cartoon character. Later in the month, Saturn, the planet of justice, will visit your house. This can mean one of two things: any legal battles you’re currently involved in will come to an end, offering you long-awaited relief and your enemies unspeakable misery. Or: jury duty.