JuLY Horoscopes

Better than the news edition


 

PISCES

This month, how can you deliver on promises with more integrity? You’re sleeping better, not worse, as the past few months of strained uncertainty give way to the feeling that you might as well enjoy not being sure. The lines on your face are as new as they seem, and that old “become another person” mantra doesn’t feel as powerful as it once did. Develop a more specific sense of how regularly you want to do your laundry, change your sheets, mop your floors. Procrastinate.

 

ARIES

What if your reliance on coffee is holding you back? This month, closely examine your habits, even the ones you’re really proud of. Do you really need to drink eight glasses of water a day? You know a con when you hear one. Maybe seven glasses are enough. At the same time, heat records are being broken on a weekly basis, and you should probably drink more water. 

 

TAURUS

Another summer, another year you aren’t invited to the Hamptons. Maybe your hometown beach has been unfairly maligned. And maybe the problem with summer is the overwhelming feeling that you must leave your apartment. This month, invest in swimwear and a respectable pair of sandals.

 

GEMINI

How many morning rituals does it take to get you to the afternoon? This month, send out a little letter to 20 people. Concentrate. Write your novel, starting with a few key sentences you think might crop up on pages 27, 125, and 184 in its second printing. If believing very strongly in something is no longer fashionable, try believing in something very quickly. Pick up the phone and ask if you can come over.

 

CANCER 

Despite whatever vague feeling of cynicism you have about Moviepass, stop looking for excuses not to get in on it. If nothing else, it’ll be fun to say you were able to enjoy the ride before it collapsed under the weight of its own contradictions, like capitalism or an ill-fated romance. Are the culture-eating consequences of Marvel movies as sinister as you worry they are? You might take seriously your suspicions that it’s you, not everyone else on the planet, who’s in the wrong. This month, ask yourself: What would it mean to be the only one who’s in the right?

 

LEO

You were, just a few years ago, a disaster. Look at you now. How did you do it? This month, remember that forgetting how you once were is the most difficult thing of all. Old text messages are maybe the most powerful exhibits of personal history available to us today. Experiment with purpose. Sometimes, it’s hard to feel useful, and that’s just the way things go.

 

VIRGO

You have become more and more open-minded, and somehow your circle of friends has at the same time become much narrower. Introducing very old friends to very new friends might be one of the more noble endeavors there is. This month, host a dinner party — a potluck isn’t a cop-out.

 

LIBRA

There’s nothing wrong with working for the weekend. The secrets you’re carrying around with you have probably outlived their usefulness. Why is it taken for granted that we would want to change our lives? This month, if you need to recover, find a place with a bush you can lie behind. It’s possible that the mobile phone and the internet are the worst things that have happened to your life.

 

SCORPIO

You find yourself wondering, at disturbingly regular intervals, which side would win in the event of a civil war. Would you contribute to the war effort, and if so, how? This month, take solace in the fact that true believers are few and far between. If you oscillate between dread and excitement upon waking, know this: You are not alone.

 

SAGITTARIUS

If the only way you can get yourself to do something is to pretend you aren’t doing it, give yourself permission to start strong and end mildly. New forms of relaxation are emerging. Would it be possible, do you think, to learn to type on a keyboard with rearranged letters? Changing your life might look something like that. This month, being in constant conversation might also be part of that effort.

 

CAPRICORN

If the era of the millennial think piece is over, it was fun while it lasted. This month, have an honest discussion about the strengths and weaknesses of generational narratives. Don’t skip any meals. Take more breaks, more naps, more moments to check in with yourself. Whatever you’re worried about, you’ll likely forget by the end of the year. You’ll forget this paragraph too.

 

AQUARIUS

Someone once linked cleanliness to godliness. Someone was wrong.This month, your hottest take might be that just because a bakery has been around for 116 years, that doesn’t mean it’s worth eating their cookies. Whatever the worst way to spend your time is, it might be all that you can work up the energy for. Consider that the densest emotional landscape of your year might have already happened.